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🌊The Oceanmaker...

                                    The ocean maker

On the 6th of November, my class watched a video called Ocean maker. But we only got to watch half the video. We watched the first  half of the video and then wrote about it. But we didn't have to write the whole plain story. We had to make up some of it. 

 Here is my story, please give me some feedback on my writing. So I can improve my writing. Don't forget to tell me your favourite part!

It was a scorching hot day out on the ocean. The war had begun. I could here the red baron roaring like a tiger underneath me. I was nervous. In a distance I could here a storm brewing. Ohh! and it wasn’t just small gales. It was the mother of all storms. And she was moving towards the fighting grounds at an alarming rate.

And just as the storm hit me, I thought that I saw it pick up the water. And lifted it up, leaving nothing but a dry desert. I crashed onto the dry sand that was left behind....


I staggered towards a huge submarine wreckage. And hid there watching, waiting. Till one day there was less noise than before. But just to make sure I stayed in my hiding place a little longer.

As carefully as a mouse, I crept out of my hiding place. I was surrounded by parts of ships and planes. All deep in sand like chips with a thick coating of sauce. It was so quiet you could here a grape drop. There was a loud

Rumbling

              sound

                       coming

                                 from

                                       my

                                           tummy.

I was as hungry as a lion. Ohh! if only I had something to eat. And to make it even worse the sun was cooking me, like a chicken in a fire pit. I needed something that could shade me from the sun. But it needed to be something light. So I gathered all my strength and crawled towards a small piece of metal. Without thinking twice I picked it up. Ouch! bad move I had forgotten that it had been sitting out in the sun.

I dragged myself into the sub. Looking for some sort of portable shelter/shade. There was an old piece of metal in the corner. I struggled towards it, and then from the corner of my eye I saw something. It moved... dangerously edging towards me.........